The Wrong Way Academy
It happens at one place: the split on Fanning Bayou Dr, where the road forks around a median island and a sign tells you to bear right. The straightaway is long, the sightlines are generous, and the temptation is documented. This is the official-ish curriculum for the correct way to go the wrong way, taught by people who would never actually do it.
Read this part first
This is comedy. Driving against the flow of traffic is illegal, dangerous, and a genuinely bad idea even on an empty road. Do not do it. The Academy exists to make fun of the impulse, not to grant it a license. Keep reading for the bit.
The Spot (documented)
The maneuver has a home. At the split on Fanning Bayou Dr, traffic is directed to bear right around the median island, and the sign on the island says so plainly. The established local practice, performed only when the straightaway is empty, is to ignore the sign and cut left across the near side. We present this as fact, because on most mornings it is one.
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The Curriculum
Confirm Nobody Is Coming
The entire maneuver rests on one assumption, and the assumption is usually wrong. From the approach to the island, scan the full length of the straightaway. Check the horizon. Check it again. Account for the one white pickup that is always, somehow, already coming.
If you can see a single headlight, a distant glint, or a neighbor on a riding mower, you bear right like the sign asks. The answer is almost always bear right.
Commit, or Do Not Begin
Hesitation is what gets people noticed. No drifting between lanes, no nervous corrections, no testing the waters. Pick your line and hold it with the calm authority of a person who pays their dues on time and has opinions about mulch.
Maintain a Healthy Relationship With the Centerline
Stay continuously aware of which lane is, today, the lawful one. The centerline is not your enemy. It is a colleague you are choosing to ignore for roughly four hundred feet.
Plan the Re-Entry Before You Need It
An exit strategy is non-negotiable. Return to the correct lane well before the stop sign, the school zone, the mailboxes, or any witness holding a phone at chest height. The goal is to arrive looking like you were never anywhere else.
The Eye Contact Protocol
If an oncoming vehicle does materialize, do not panic, and do not explain. Offer the regional four-finger steering-wheel wave. Most disputes in Fanning Bayou are settled this way. Roughly nobody has ever followed up.
The wave communicates: I see you, you see me, we both live here, let us never speak of this.
Certificate of Theoretical Competence
This certifies that the bearer has read about going the wrong way and has wisely decided to keep driving the right way like a functional adult.
Awarded by the Wrong Way Academy, which is not a real academy.
And once more, sincerely
Do not actually drive the wrong way. It is the kind of funny that stops being funny the instant a car comes over the rise. Obey the law, wave at your neighbors, and take your grievances to the Bulletin instead.